I am…

Finding a way to show others who you are is difficult. The finished work is different than I originally envisioned, but I had fun creating this piece.
I AM…
a mother
a "hooker"
a Christian
I made two beautiful daughters…
1 of them was kidnapped.
I exist by Faith
I buy yarn to fill the void
+ hook LOTS of hats.
Even if your heart is broken…
your hands can be busy
+ your head can be warm.
Despite my circumstance…
I AM STILL HERE.

No one ever imagines that the “unthinkable” will happen to them. And when it does… you're rarely prepared. The past year has been devastating. Some days are unbearable… sometimes I feel broken beyond repair. I cry a lot. I pray a lot. I create a lot in the hopes of manifesting a reversal of circumstance.

In this piece I incorporated a turpentine photo to fabric transfer, fabric, paper, tulle, watercolor, acrylic, both machine and free hand stitching, yarn, ink and nail polish. The salmon colored fabric was cut from a blanket, frayed and coming apart (not unlike me), the metallic machine stitches are irregular and insecure (much like how I feel), the green stitches represent the hope that a better future lies ahead. I've always been a fan of color and now, more than ever, I try to surround myself with bright, cheerful colors, so the background is just that. My hat, like those I make for a living, is colorful, joyful…full of life (the way I was before, and hope to be again someday!) Between my Faith and the welcome escape I find in hooking hats (up to 60/month), I'm hanging on, though some days only by a thread… I am still here.

 

Feedback and prayers are always welcome! 

 

 

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11 thoughts on “I am…

  1. Thank you for sharing something so personal……not easy! This is a fabulous piece and my Mom and I both commented on the use of color! Wishing you peace. Warmly, JoAnn

  2. Your story touched me deeply and your anguish is evident in your self portrait. It is a beaufiful evocative piece of work.  I too am a Christian and I will keep you in my prayers. Keep holding on…your faith and your art will be your lifeline.

  3. Your story touched me deeply and your anguish is evident in your self portrait. It is a beaufiful evocative piece of work.  I too am a Christian and I will keep you in my prayers. Keep holding on…your faith and your art will be your lifeline.

  4. Your piece is so beautiful.  I love the composition and design, the colors and your beautiful hat and eyes.  

    May you and your family continue to be strengthened by the Great I Am.  You are in my prayers.  You are a very brave and strong woman.  Thank you for sharing this.

  5. Thank you for sharing both your art and your story. I am the mother of two young girls, and it has touched me deeply. I will hold you in my thoughts, and send good energy your way, as well as keep your daughter and you in my prayers.

  6. Thank you all for the warm accolades of support, positive critique, and of course the prayers!

    Before becoming a Momma, I was a professional sculptor/painter for 16 yrs. But I quickly learned that fiber as a medium, was much more kid friendly, and I could stop to tend my baby and start up again without any prep or fuss, etc.  Although I make hats all the time, this is quite literally the first piece of non crocheted art I’ve done since my daughter Willoughby was taken (Aug 6th 2010). Doing a piece so personal felt risky in a way. But, it also turned out to be a way of reclaiming myself…. to say, “I havent been swallowed up by this yet”… despite so many days I felt like giving up. To say… “I’m still here” … despite days I wish otherwise. And that no matter what, I intend to be here to greet my sweet girl when God finds a way to bring her back home to me. 

    My girls need me…. Willoughby (who was taken) will be 7 next month. And Jubilee who will be 2 in Jan.

    Doing this piece, showed me that my creative self still exists… that “she” is still in there, and ready for any opportunity to be given a “voice”. This was pivitol for me to realize, because so much of me has felt dead inside. Vacant, angry, raw.  I felt like my spirit  – creative and otherwise, died the day my daughter was taken.  

    Again, thank you all so much for your thoughts and kindness and friendship. They are all very much appreciated!

  7. I’ve been thinking about your children and mine all week since I read your story.  It’s not much, but I’ve done what I can to help families like yours with missing children: I’ve added a Missing Children Google Gadget to my blog’s sidebar that shows photos from MissingKids.com (National Center for Missing and Exploited Children). 

    I think blogs and modern social media have great reach and great potential to help both by increasing exposure of missing children’s photos to a wider audience and promoting awareness.  (If any other here bloggers would like to do the same, I’d be happy to help you incorporate the google gadget or banner on your website.) 

    Art has helped me recover my voice, too.  I found your portrait vibrant, powerful, beautiful and touching.  Love the use of color – especially your eyes. 

    Hang in there!  Warmest wishes,

    ~Nikki

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